A year or two ago, I had a will done that left my nephew in charge of my estate, as I’m widowed with no children. Recently I’ve come to find out things he’s borrowed he now believes are his; he’s bragging about getting it all. I’m sick over this, because I always thought we had a good relationship. I don’t know now who to leave anything to.
— Lost Auntie
Dear Auntie,
Like many money quandaries, this sounds like primarily a communication issue, rather than a legal or financial one. Money and death are both tricky topics to discuss with family, and that can cause estate planning to be shrouded in mystery and confusion.
It sounds like your nephew might be confused about what it means to be put “in charge” of your estate (I assume, as an executor). That’s totally understandable, given that most people don’t have a clear understanding of how estate planning or inheritance works, and the lawyers and financial planners who help with the technical details often aren’t great at explaining the reality in plain language.
He might have signed the paperwork a couple of years ago and took it to mean he has control over your things from now on. He might have also interpreted it to mean he’s the heir for the entire estate, which isn’t necessarily true. An executor is often one of the heirs, but being put “in charge” of the estate in this way doesn’t give them free reign over what happens to it. An executor’s role is to carry out your wishes, not to supplant them with their own.
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If he’s the executor listed in your will, it’s important that he clearly understands your wishes. His recent actions could be a good catalyst for you to start a conversation to clear those up. If you don’t want to accuse him of any wrongdoing, you can simply note that you don’t seem to be on the same page. Let him know you’re having this conversation because he’s accepted responsibility for executing your will, and part of that responsibility is understanding your wishes.
Be clear about the fact that you’re willing to lend things to him now, but you’re not forfeiting ownership just yet. And talk about what you want to happen to your estate after you die, so there are no lingering questions. Hopefully the goodwill in your relationship will prevail, and you’ll have a better shared understanding going forward!
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Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® and author of YOU DON’T NEED A BUDGET. She writes Healthy Rich, a newsletter about how capitalism impacts the ways we think, teach and talk about money.
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