My husband and I are older and got married six years ago. He has three adult children (ages 27 to 39), whom he still takes care of financially. I cringe and become angry when I think about the fact that the money he is spending on them should be going to our retirement. When I say “spending on them,” I mean things like letting them live in his old house without paying for rent, repairs, insurance or taxes. It’s BIG! How can I approach this subject without sounding like the evil stepmother? Should I just keep my mouth shut?
— Concerned Stepmother
Dear Concerned,
It’s rarely helpful to keep your mouth shut about money in a relationship. You’re much better off talking with your husband to get on the same page, so you don’t deal with festering resentment and misalignment. But you have to approach the conversation open to understanding and compromise in addition to airing your grievances.
One thing that jumps out to me in your question is the “should.” Whenever I hear this word around money, I ask why. I recommend you ask yourself: Why “should” those resources be going toward your retirement?
Your answer depends on a lot of information not included here. Are you depending on your husband’s resources to fund your retirement as well as his? Was this your shared expectation when you got married? What would be happening with the house (and its associated expenses) if the children weren’t living there? Did you and your husband at one time agree on plans for supporting the children? Has the situation changed since you got together?
Before starting the conversation, try to get to the root of the issue for yourself: Maybe you’re anxious about retirement savings. Or irritated at suddenly having kids in your life. Or concerned about their ability to be self-sufficient.
Whatever the issues are, define them clearly, and consider solutions you’d like to broach with your husband. Is this simply a matter of better financial planning for your retirement accounts, or is there going to be a major family discussion? Having some direction going into the conversation can help you figure out the best way to present your concerns.
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Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® and author of YOU DON’T NEED A BUDGET. She writes Healthy Rich, a newsletter about how capitalism impacts the ways we think, teach and talk about money.
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