The mistake people make when talking about money with their partner

For many couples, money is a source of stress: They might be facing credit card debt or student loans, trying to buy a house, or figuring out child care.

Talking about it could help. But people in romantic relationships usually brace for a money talk with their partner to be a worse experience than what, in fact, unfolds, according to a new study published this month in Social Psychological and Personality Science.

“They anticipated these conversations would be less enjoyable, informative and socially connecting than they actually were,” said study co-author Ximena Garcia-Rada, assistant professor in marketing at Texas A&M University.

The research included over 1,600 married individuals. Across three experiments, participants were surveyed before and after a talk with their partner about finances. Repeatedly, they emerged feeling closer to their significant other and more aligned than they’d expected.

“This miscalibration appears to stem from underestimating the degree of agreement they would ultimately reach with their partner,” Garcia-Rada said.

There are a few reasons people likely expect a chat about money with their partner to devolve, Garcia-Rada said.

They may not fully know their partner’s underlying values or be more focused on potential disagreements than areas of common ground, she said. They may also be putting a lot of weight on prior conflicts.

Money “can feel harder to bring up than sex,” said certified financial planner Douglas Boneparth, president and founder of Bone Fide Wealth, a wealth management firm in New York City. 

“The fear isn’t really about numbers,” said Boneparth, who with his wife coauthored the book “Money Together.” “Money represents something different to everyone: trust, control, love, freedom. Talking about money means exposing all of that.”

“People fear judgment,” he added. “So instead of risking it, they avoid the conversation altogether.”

But dodging these discussions is dangerous, said Carolyn McClanahan, a CFP and founder of Life Planning Partners in Jacksonville, Florida.

“Money is a big cause of unhappy marriages,” said McClanahan.

“So having money conversations and building a healthy approach to finances together can mitigate the need for future therapy or divorce,” she said.

Other academic research finds that communication about money can lead to greater marital satisfaction and stability.

Cathy Curtis, a CFP and founder and CEO of Curtis Financial Planning in Oakland, California, said she wasn’t surprised that the study’s participants doubted a money talk with their partner would go swimmingly. She said she witnesses couples who disagree on the topic all the time.

“For example, one partner wants to remodel the house, the other thinks it’s fine the way it is,” Curtis said. “One partner wants to fly business class, the other thinks it’s a waste of money.”

But when there’s mutual respect in the relationship, she also sees how these tough conversations lead to compromises, Curtis said.

“Perhaps the remodel is spread over a few years, instead of all at once,” she said. “Business class is fine if the flight is over eight hours, for example.”

Couples may be more likely to reach agreements if they can be vulnerable together and express their deeper feelings and past experiences involving finances, McClanahan said.

“They should share their money history, so they understand how each other thinks,” she said.

More than anything else, you want to approach the conversation with curiosity, Boneparth said.

“Your goal isn’t to win,” he said. “It’s to understand.”

Boneparth, McClanahan and Curtis are all members of CNBC’s Financial Advisor Council.